Millionaire claims capitalism is abstract, not linked with capital

This is satire. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is a purely coincidental result of amalgamating some hazy memories and having a laugh with them.


A lively online exchange about economic systems came to an abrupt end when one of its participants, millionaire Mike Sutton of Maidenhead, asserted that “capitalism is more about ideas than resources” — at which point the others lost the will to live.

Renowned on social media for his bold political commentary, Sutton, a successful city-based hedge fund manager, made other equally enlightening statements including “socialism is significantly worse for people and planet,” “socialism is a disease” and “watch out for those socialist bastards, they’re determined to steal our huge piles of money.”

Claiming an unbiased and objective perspective drawn from independent sources, Sutton, who has a PhD in Physics, added “The Daily Mail is a terrible rag but it is extremely good at shining a light on the sick scourge that is socialism.”

Sutton explained that his hedge fund deals in mathematical functions and “position optimisation” only, and that none of these concepts has any connection with real-life investors profiting from the privatisation, exploitation and degradation of common assets such as health services, schools, democracies, rivers, forests or fertile land.

In fact, he assured his friends, capitalism is the only way to bring out the best in human nature.

Sutton went on to cite Milton Friedman as proof that the ultimate desirable human trait is greed, and proposed that, for the best society, greed should be maximised whenever possible, ideally by ensuring that those who are best at being greedy are rewarded vastly more than those who aren’t.

The latter group includes those idiots who insist on ruining society by putting others first, for example by caring for patients while working unpaid overtime in crumbling hospitals; or by bringing food into schools to share with children left to go hungry by parents who remain hell-bent on being poor purely to sabotage an otherwise highly effective capitalist system.



  1. ““watch out for those socialist bastards, they’re determined to steal our huge piles of money.””

    It would be quite entertaining to have them take it all offshore, devalue all their “money” then create an island paradise for ourselves…..

    Am I wrong to think like that? 🙂

  2. Last week I joined the Democratic Socialists of Amerika and I am pleased to announce that we have completed our take over of Wall street in toto. By a unanimous vote of the governing board it was decided that a gillotine would be set up in front of Goldman Sachs headquarters and beheadings will be conducted round the clock until the last vulture capitalist head rolled down Battery Park to the sea. We understand that the vast majority of thinking humanity (always make that distinction), is inexpressibly grateful and would like to thank us which is all very well and nice but we ask that you send money instead of accolades because we are beastly broke and have run out of cash for torches and pitchforks. ON WITH THE REVOLUTION!!!

  3. Milton Friedman felt that greed was fuel that kept the world spinning. When I heard him say that on an old TV show I thought that he was deceitfully manipulating. Now many years later I think he was speaking his truth. It was one of the most blatant self justifications for evil I have ever heard.

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